Depression & Anxiety During the Age of Coronavirus
I went back and forth about writing this post. But it’s honestly the only post that I think I could or should be writing at this exact moment. Two months into quarantine and my feelings about it have morphed and changed and morphed again. First, I think it’s necessary and important. Doing so could save not only our own lives but possibly someone else’s as well. My feelings about that have never wavered. What I am speaking about is my own personal mental health.
When I first went into isolation in mid-March I was determined to keep some form of routine and to stay productive. And it was relatively easy to stay on track. My days worked much the same way as they always did minus going into my office or having to commute. It was easy to create a structure to function in. But then something unexpected happened: I got put on furlough from my job. This threw me for a loop for a multitude of reasons as you can imagine, but the one that has had the most lasting effect has been that all sense of routine has gone out the window. I already had some pretty steady anxiety and stress around what is happening in the world right now. I think we all do. But adding to that worry for the immediate and not so immediate future became an added stress and a whole new level of anxiety. And it kicked my long dormant depression into high gear.
I am a homebody. Being home all day doesn’t bother me in the least. Seriously. And if this were under any of other circumstances this would warm the cockles of my introverted heart. There are indeed things I enjoy about it even now. I enjoy seeing my cat all day (although my sudden prolonged presence on a daily basis had him confused for a good week or so). I enjoy the fluidity and freedom of free time. But a lot of the time I feel a bit unmoored. And my depression has left me feeling unmotivated. I didn’t post last week. I honestly just didn’t have the motivation or energy to do so. I had and have a million blog post ideas and even items drafted but I could not find the energy to actually get it done. The lack of motivation during depression is a vicious circle: you’re depressed so you lack motivation and your lack of motivation makes you feel more depressed. The only thing I could think to do was be honest with you my dear readers about what I’m feeling. Because I am certain I am not the only one experiencing any of it. These are weird and scary times we are all living in and it is only natural that it would affect our mental health. For me the eternal lesson is to not be so hard on myself when I am feeling this way.
And also to find my own new - and hopefully temporary - normal. Ramadan began last week and I am taking this time of spiritual renewal as a way to re-calibrate. My goal is to try to do one productive thing everyday. However small. Today it was writing this post.
