This is 40
Last month I turned 40. I’ve mentioned this a few times in passing on posts. I wanted to write a full post about it but wanted to take my and gather my thoughts in a cohesive way. Not to mention that since my birthday I’ve had a major change in my life. Which has altered the lens with which I’m viewing my milestone birthday even more.
40 is a scary age. I’m not going to sugarcoat or lie about that. You are no longer considered “young”. You are expected to have your shit together. That is decidedly not me. My shit is very much strewn about in disarray. This used to give me anxiety (and still does in my less confident moments). But lately I’ve been viewing it in a different way.
In my teens and twenties I assumed I would be married with kids by 30. When my 30th birthday came around sans husband or kids I felt like a failure. Almost everyone around me was getting married and starting families. And I was nowhere near that. I was knee deep in the throes of depression and really just trying to keep it together. And that was most of my thirties in a nutshell. Just trying to keep it together. I had huge responsibilities on my plate that even those friends were not dealing with. My journey was different from theirs. And now at 40, still single and childless...I am thankful for this. I am thankful for the freedom I am allowed because of this. And that is the crux of what I am feeling at this point of being 40 for a little over a month. I feel freer in ways I never felt before.
Earlier this month I lost my job of 13 years. I could be bitter about this, and the way certain things were handled do anger and disappoint me if I dwell on them. There was a time this major life change would have thrown me into a black hole of anxiety. And there are definitely things about it that are scary. But mostly I just feel free. My life revolved around going to an office five days a week. But Covid changed that and by the time I was let go I had already disengaged. I hadn’t been happy with my job for a long time. I was dreading going back for a multitude of reasons. But God, the Universe, etc had different plans for me. And I am surprisingly okay with it. The fact that it happened right after my 40th birthday seems appropriate. Change has always been so scary to me but the last few years have been a lesson in surrendering to change.
When I look back, the last five years of my thirties have been a journey becoming more of who I’m supposed to be. At 40 I feel more like myself than at any other point. And that sense of who I am isn’t wrapped up in job status, friends, family, etc. For once, when I think about the future I am not riddled with anxiety. I feel like the path has opened wide and it can lead to wherever I want to go. This is 40.
